You’ve probably heard the adage that we have two ears and one mouth for a reason. We should listen twice as much as we speak. I will add that we have one brain. When you are “listening,” what is your brain doing?
During my leadership career, I was trained on active listening so many times that I began to take the concept for granted and assume everyone knew what it was. Over time, I’ve realized that many people have no formal training in the art of listening. Whether you consider yourself a listening expert or a novice, I encourage you to pay full attention to today’s article to level up your listening skills.
Where Is Your Attention?
At its core, I find that listening well hinges on your ability to focus your attention appropriately. Pause for a moment and consider where your attention is right now. Are you fully present reading this article? Or is there a topic swirling in your brain, grabbing your attention?
Reflect on your most recent 1-on-1 conversation. When the other person was speaking, where was your attention? How much were you listening, and how much were you thinking?
Maya Angelou said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” When you give someone your full attention and really listen, you build respect and trust. Coaching has provided ample opportunity for me to hone this skill. I try to bring this same attention and presence to every interaction with another human (not to mention Kohaku).
The best model for listening I have encountered is in the book Co-Active Coaching by Henry Kimsey-House, Karen Kimsey-House, Phillip Sandahl, and Laura Whitworth. They describe three levels of listening.
Level 1: Internal Listening
For most of us, internal listening is our default listening behavior. It certainly was mine. When we are at this first level of listening, we focus on ourselves. Our attention is on our reaction to what we are hearing – our thoughts, feelings, and judgments.
When we listen internally, our attention is often focused on figuring out what we will say next. If we are discussing an issue, we may focus on refuting the other person’s statements and convincing them that our way is the right way.
When we listen at level one, we miss out on what the other person has to say. We lack empathy and fail to connect deeply with our partners in conversation.
After drafting this blog post, I found myself in conversation with two other people. I quickly realized that the other people were both listening internally. I watched as they took turns interrupting each other, both eager to say what they wanted to say. Soon, they were in two separate conversations – when one person stopped long enough for the other person to jump in, they resumed their conversation, which was no longer related to the other person’s conversation. Back and forth they went, each talking past the other, interested in what they had to say, not hearing the other person.
I encourage you to evolve past internal listening to create connection, demonstrate empathy, and have a more meaningful conversation.
Level 2: Focused Listening
When we practice focused listening, we shift our attention from ourselves to the person speaking. We focus on their nonverbal signals, including their tone of voice, body language, and the emotions we perceive, in addition to their words.
If you don’t have much practice with level two, you’ll need to put a similar effort into keeping your attention off yourself. If you’ve spent your entire life engaging in level one listening, then it will take conscious effort to engage neuroplasticity to rewire your brain to listen more effectively.
Focused listening is a space of curiosity and wonder. It requires patience. You’ll need to be comfortable with pauses because you don’t get to do your own thinking until the other person has finished their thought. At first, those pauses were very uncomfortable for me. I liked to have the answer and was generally quick to respond. Over time, I’ve learned to relish the silence. It can be luxurious to say, “Let me think about that for a moment.”
Those pauses are equally essential to demonstrate to your partner that you are listening attentively. By modeling this listening style, you may activate your partner’s mirror neurons, and they will start to respond in kind.
I spent much of my leadership career refining my focused listening skills. It wasn’t until I started coaching that I began to practice level three.
Level 3: Global Listening
Global listening builds upon level two. When we listen at level three, we focus our attention on our partner and open our attention to the environment. We are aware of the energy of the conversation. This could mean recognizing your emotions, not focusing on yourself but as a clue to the energy your partner is giving off.
With global listening, we bring a deep presence to both the listener and the world around us and embrace our intuition. When we get an energetic sign or some felt sense of knowing, we notice it and, if appropriate, weave it into the conversation.
Consider times when something has given you “the chills.” When I get the chills, it’s usually a wave of energy in my torso, and I used to view it as an embodied emotional reaction to what I experienced. I’m much more aware of this sensation as I’ve deepened my presence and leaned into global listening. When a client says something, and I feel the energy in my torso, I’m far more likely to notice that energy. Perhaps most importantly, I’m not so quick to discount the sign. If a client says something that gives me the chills, that’s a sign to engage my curiosity. I’ll explore that statement further with the client to see if there is something more meaningful behind their comment. Anecdotally, I’d say that 80% of the time, the exploration uncovered something significant.
Putting It Into Practice
When was the last time you practiced your listening? Consider these strategies to refine your listening talents:
- Pay attention to how you listen in conversations. Consider journaling daily to reflect on when you listen at each level.
- Practice shifting your attention from yourself to your partner.
- Build comfort with silence. Allow your partner to finish their thought before you begin thinking.
- Explore your energetic signs like “the chills.” Pay attention to your intuition when they arise.
- Give your partner the gift of your full presence.
I am an executive coach and life coach with software executive roots in higher education and EdTech. I coach because I love to help others accelerate their growth as leaders and humans. I frequently write about #management, #leadership, #coaching, #neuroscience, and #arete.
If you would like to learn more, schedule time with me.
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