Today’s post builds upon my meaningful conversations post.* That post appeared to resonate with many of you based on the reactions. Perhaps most importantly, my mom loved it. 💙
I am sure part of what resonates is the emphasis on social connections. This is a key area in many formulas for happiness and one that is easy to ignore.
The Importance of Social Connections
When I talk with clients about what is important to them, I find social connections often get overlooked. They care about their mental and physical health, professional success, growth, and they often highlight financial abundance. They may note family and friends as well, but there is a tendency to focus on the well-being of those family and friends, and the connection aspect doesn’t get the emphasis it deserves.
If you survey the landscape of books devoted to leading a happier life, social connection is one of the most common elements. Here are a few of my favorites:
- “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin
- “The Art of Happiness” by Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler
- “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead” by Brené Brown
- “Keep Sharp” by Sanjay Gupta, MD
In a class last week with Anthony (Tony) Jack and the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, Tony touched specifically on social connection. He referenced an article from American Psychologist with research demonstrating that increasing social connection decreases mortality rate more than quitting smoking.
Tony also cited loneliness research by John T. Cacioppo, showing that loneliness is contagious up to three degrees of separation. When someone became lonely, Cacioppo found increased loneliness in that person’s direct connections, their friends’ friends, and even their friends’ friends’ friends!
The good news is that research also suggests the opposite is true. In Kim Cameron’s book Positively Energizing Leadership, he cites a 2013 study from O’Connor and Cavanagh that showed that when an individual receives coaching, the closer others are to that person, the more likely they are to experience positive increases in their well-being.
This begs the question: Do you prioritize cultivating deep connections with the important people in your life? Or does this take a back seat to other focus areas in your quest to live a happy, fulfilled, self-actualized life?
My Value of Connection
When I wrote about my values, I shared how one value evolved. When I began using my values exercise 15 years ago, I chose family as one of my values. I recognized that I didn’t spend as much time with my family as I would have liked, and I wanted to remind myself that the point of work was to provide for my family and enjoy being with them. I slowly shifted from a “provider” mindset to a “connector” one.
Over time, I expanded that value to include family and friends. This may feel like a minor adjustment, but it significantly shifted how I viewed my close friends and the importance I placed on connecting with them. For example, my dear friend Harry Kidder and I began to see every superhero movie together – all those excellent Marvel films and many disappointing DC films.**
As my coaching journey unfolds, the value has shifted again, and now it is connection. I’ve come to recognize how much I value connecting with a wide range of people, including family, friends, clients, fellow coaches, and teachers.
While that shift may appear subtle, it manifests profoundly for me. In my prior job, I convened meetings to get things done, and some form of connection occurred in the background. Now, I connect with people for a living. This causes me to approach each interpersonal interaction with a reverence I didn’t bring before. There is a curiosity about what the connection will bring and a desire to fill our cups with the joy of connecting.
Your Connections
I invite you to spend a few minutes considering your connections. Who are the important people in your life? Consider family, friends, colleagues, and communities.
For each person, consider how often you connect with them and how meaningful those connections are. Where might you make a shift?
One strategy you might employ is making the connection a ritual. I talk to Mom and Dad every weekend. I used to run to Harry’s house during marathon training – now I run to a favorite restaurant ten miles from home, and he meets me there. I have two groups of coaching colleagues that are precious to me, and we have regular Zooms scheduled to stay connected.
Another strategy to consider is shifting the time and energy spent on social media apps like Facebook and Instagram to more quality interactions. We may credit ourselves for social connection by liking or commenting on a post, but it falls short of the mark. Instead, why not send that person a message and see if they want to catch up in real time?
Recently, I messaged a friend from college out of the blue. We had not spoken in thirty years. We wound up meeting for dinner and had a delightful evening. Last week, she sent me this article, which fits nicely with today’s post. It shares research demonstrating how hard it is for us to reconnect with an old friend and several strategies to help you overcome the barriers.
When you review your connections, you may also find relationships that drain you. If you are investing time and energy into a relationship that is not nurturing your soul, consider a shift here as well. If it’s a close family member, you may not feel like you can sever the connection, but perhaps you can reduce the time you spend interacting with them.
Growing up, I had a close friend who drained me. Because of our years of friendship, I felt an obligation to continue to be a supportive friend, even though I no longer enjoyed our time together. It took another friend’s advice to help me see it was okay to walk away from the friendship. It was a hard decision, but I’m grateful I made it. Years later, we’ve reconnected in a more healthy way.
Forming New Connections
Perhaps you don’t have many close connections. You may have no close family members or have relocated to a new area. I encourage you to look for opportunities to form new connections.
Do you have a best friend at work? A Gallup survey found that having a best friend at work strongly predicts positive workplace outcomes, including higher engagement, better performance, and lower turnover rates. As an individual, look for a colleague with whom you can strengthen your connection. As a leader, look for cultural shifts that support and promote social connectivity in the workplace.
What are your areas of interest? Is there a local community you can join? An in-person class you can take? A volunteer organization you can work with?
One of the most surprising methods I found was a loving kindness meditation. In the meditation, you first practice loving kindness for yourself, meditating on being happy, healthy, safe, and at peace. Then, you practice loving-kindness for close friends and family. Next, practice loving kindness for a neutral person. Finally, for people you genuinely do not like.
For the neutral person, I selected a neighbor I did not know well. For several days, I included him in my daily meditation, wishing that he be happy, healthy, safe, and at peace. After only a few days of this practice, I found myself yearning to reach out to him. I wanted to get to know him better, connect with him, and see how I might support him.
Consider spending five or ten minutes each morning in loving-kindness meditation. You may find the practice deepens your motivation to strengthen connections.
Putting It Into Practice
Investing in social connections can profoundly impact our happiness and well-being.
- Consider whether you have a provider or connector mindset with family and friends. Shift your mindset if appropriate.
- Assess your current relationships to see if you want to strengthen your connections.
- Consider establishing rituals to connect regularly with people that are important to you.
- Reduce time on social media apps to make more time for deeper connections.
- Limit or eliminate connections that drain your energy.
- Look for a best friend at work.
- Find a club, class, or volunteer organization offering new connections.
- Practice loving kindness to strengthen your motivation to connect.
I am an executive coach and life coach with software executive roots in higher education and EdTech. I coach because I love to help others accelerate their growth as leaders and humans. I frequently write about #management, #leadership, #coaching, #neuroscience, and #arete.
If you would like to learn more, schedule time with me.
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* More evidence we live in a responsive universe. I delayed this post a week to lend my voice to the #credentialsmatter movement. In that extra week, I received meaningful contributions from Tony Jack and another friend that led me to revise and expand today’s post.
** We have skipped some, like Madame Web – we have standards!