Throughout my life, I’ve described myself as fiercely loyal. Historically, I’d say that’s an aspect of my personal brand. Loyalty never made the list when I did a values exercise, but I identified with it and boasted about it.
Now, that concept of loyalty gives me great pause. While I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, any time we find ourselves declaring our loyalties, I think it bears scrutiny.
Fiercely Loyal
I have been a Los Angeles Rams fan for 47 years. As long as I’ve followed American football, the Rams have been my team.
This prompts some obvious questions. Am I from Los Angeles? No, I am not. I grew up in Virginia, about 2,500 miles away. Were my parents Rams fans? No, they were not. Why then?
Why indeed. I began paying attention to football in 1979. The cool kid who lived next door (I’m talking to you, Richard Thielen)* was a Rams fan, and he told me I should be one too. He made a very compelling argument. They were a good team (they went to the Super Bowl that year). Also, they had cool helmets. Add to his arguments that I’m an Aries, and it made perfect sense.
I always end that story with “…and I’m fiercely loyal, so I’ve been a Rams fan ever since.”
Some of my friends have heard that story a lot, but no one has heard that story more than I have, since I’m the one who tells it. And every time I tell the story, I reinforce the image of being fiercely loyal. It begins to take root as a core belief.
When it comes to professional sports teams, being fiercely loyal is understandable. In our professional and personal lives, discernment is warranted.
The Price of Loyalty
In my 30-year career at Ellucian/Datatel, I often boasted of my loyalty. Several of my colleagues and I claimed that we “bled Ellucian purple.” It was, and is, a badge of honour for me. That being said, looking back, I can see the shadow side of my fierce loyalty.
For most of my career, when a recruiter reached out, I didn’t take the call. Doing so felt disloyal. Things worked out fine for me, and yet, who knows what opportunities I missed out on because I was too loyal to hear what else was out there.
If two people are up for promotion, and one has a track record of fierce loyalty, and the other is considered a flight risk, who is likely to get promoted? We hope the most qualified person. But a less mature leader might decide to promote the flight risk, knowing they are likely to leave if they don’t get the promotion, while the loyal employee is likely to grin and bear it.
Loyalty should not exist in a vacuum.
We can and should be loyal to a leader or an organization that has earned that loyalty through a consistent track record of behavior. There are leaders I will follow to the end of the earth because time and again they’ve proven they are worthy of that loyalty. But organizations shift. Leaders change. As the environment evolves, fierce loyalty should be viewed with fresh eyes.
Do you consider yourself to be loyal? Fiercely loyal? Take a moment to look at your loyalty from a fresh perspective and ask yourself whether the current environment justifies that level of loyalty.
I use a professional example, but obviously, this holds true outside the workplace as well. We may maintain friendships out of a sense of loyalty even though we’ve drifted apart. I, like most Americans, grew up reciting the Pledge of Allegiance every morning in school, indoctrinating fierce loyalty to our country. That doesn’t mean mindlessly going along with every action of our current leaders. Loyalty to the principles of democracy upon which our country was built often means speaking out when our leaders don’t act in accordance with those principles.
The Mask of Loyalty
When I inspect my own loyalties, I find at times that my supposed loyalty was actually a clever disguise.
I declared that I didn’t take calls from recruiters because I was fiercely loyal to my company. There is some truth to that statement. But when I probe more, I uncover a deeper truth.
Taking calls from recruiters would push me out of my comfort zone, potentially into my danger zone.
Loyalty is a convenient excuse to avoid stretching ourselves. I won’t pursue this other job opportunity because there is risk involved. I’ll be “loyal” and stay where I am. In truth, I’ll stay in my comfort zone.
I see several people in marriages where they are clearly very unhappy. Loyalty is the safe excuse to stay in their comfort zone, even though a more enriching life might await them if they had the courage to leave their current relationship. For some, loyalty is the excuse that keeps them from even raising the question. A more enriching life may await them within their current marriage if they had the courage to lean in with their partner.
Why Loyalty?
The fundamental question is this: What need does loyalty actually serve?
A sense of belonging may drive loyalty. Belonging to a team. Belonging to a marriage. Belonging to a community of sports fans. We are wired to belong, but there is an inherent tension between our desire to belong and honouring our own needs.
A sense of identity may drive your loyalty, as it was for me throughout my Ellucian career. In our effort to please others and be well-liked, we declare ourselves fiercely loyal.
A sense of safety may drive loyalty. We choose to stay snuggled up in our comfort zone. Staying loyal doesn’t rock the boat.
In each scenario, our loyalty points to a potential lack of self-trust. There’s a deeper inquiry waiting for us if we have the courage to embrace it. This inquiry will most certainly push us out of our comfort zone. It may lead us to make some very difficult decisions. Leaving Ellucian and launching my own coaching practice was a huge leap for me. My only regret is that I didn’t leap sooner. Ending my marriage was so hard that I can barely write the words a year and a half later. And had I not done so, I’d never have learned what a joy it is to be with myself.
Check your inner compass. Set aside the object of your loyalty, and ask yourself, what truly matters to you? One of my meditation teachers, John Prendergast, would ask, “What is your deepest knowing?” Don’t let your mind answer the question. Listen to what arises from your heart. This is not a five-minute exercise, and a thought partner can be a tremendous help.
You may find alignment between your inner compass and the object of your loyalty. I can remember several pivotal moments in my Ellucian career where my loyalty was tested, and when I checked my inner compass, I could see clear alignment – we were both pointing to True North.
However, you may find a lack of alignment. Looking into your heart may reveal a very different desire. Your compass may be pointing in a different direction.
If so, it’s time to dig deep and question your loyalties.
Putting It Into Practice
If you identify as fiercely loyal, ask yourself what purpose that loyalty serves. Take the time to scrutinize and question your loyalties to ensure your inner compass is aligned:
- Pick one. Pick a single relationship, role, or community where you’ve declared loyalty. Ask, “Is this still a conscious choice, or has it become a default?”
- Name the need. Get honest about what’s underneath. Is your loyalty driven by belonging, identity, or safety? Naming it doesn’t mean abandoning it — it means owning it.
- Check your compass. Sit quietly and ask yourself Prendergast’s question: What is your deepest knowing?
- Find a thought partner. This inquiry is hard to do alone. A trusted friend, coach, or mentor can help you see other perspectives.
- Revisit periodically. Loyalty that was warranted two years ago may need fresh eyes today. Build in a rhythm — quarterly, annually — to reassess the loyalties that matter most.
Fun story – in adulthood, Richard and I found ourselves next-door neighbors once again, and still fiercely loyal Rams fans. We traveled to Philadelphia with our partners to see the Rams play the Eagles, sitting directly behind the Rams’ sideline.
I am an executive coach and life coach with software executive roots in higher education and EdTech. I coach because I love helping others accelerate their growth as leaders and humans. I frequently write about #management, #leadership, #coaching, #neuroscience, and #arete.
If you would like to learn more, schedule time with me.