“Service” has always been a loaded term for me. Over the years, I’ve watched with fascination as my relationship with service has morphed and evolved. This might be unique to me, but I suspect it isn’t, and if your relationship with service is following my trajectory, today’s share might serve to accelerate your progress along the path.
Service as a Should
On my first day of coaching education with Newfield Network, Julio Olalla talked a great deal about service. While I don’t remember his exact words, the message I took away was how important it was that we as coaches be in service to humanity. I have in my notes “I have one dream… that we can, through life, be of service….”
I had the sense that most of my classmates found these words profoundly inspiring and uplifting. I was surprised and unsettled by my own reaction. I found myself triggered. This led to a great deal of reflection.
What I found as I explored my feelings was that I was certainly not opposed to service. At this point in my life I think I often acted in ways that serve others and the greater good. I was not triggered by the suggestion that we serve as coaches. I was triggered by the “should.”
As I’ve become more and more aware of the neural wiring I’ve built up over the years, I have come to learn that anytime someone tells me I “should” do something, there’s a risk I’ll get triggered. I simply don’t take kindly to someone telling me what to do.
I can think of one exception. I was talking to a friend once, and she had advice for me, and she explicitly called herself out in advance. “I’m not going to should you here… actually, no, I am going to should you. You should take your mother to this humor conference.” My friend’s awareness of how “shoulding” someone is likely to land, and her overt, conscious choice to “should” me anyway, diffused any triggering emotion. I made a mental note, and try to model that style if I’m tempted to “should” someone else.
When it comes to service, I realized that throughout my life, many invitations to be of service were framed with an implied “should.” This, in turn, left me resentful of the service opportunity. That, in turn, left me questioning myself. Why was I feeling resistance to being of service?
Service Without the Should
When I reflect on how Julio’s statement triggered me, I see incredible irony. I made a conscious choice to pivot to a career in coaching, because I knew that coaching others brought me incredible joy. Why did it give me joy? Because I love to help others learn and grow. The joy comes from the growth in my clients. I choose to coach, because of love being of service to others. But the moment I was told I “should” be of service, my perspective shifted.
Adult development theory sheds some light on why I may have reacted this way. According to Kegan’s model, nearly 60% of adults are in the socialized mind stage of adult development. In this stage, we are primarily concerned with fitting in and being accepted by others. 35% of adults have progressed to the self-authoring mind stage, where we are guided by our values and what matters to us personally, rather than the opinions of others (see my related blog post for more details).
At this stage of my life, I was becoming aware of my focus on how others perceived me, and beginning to move towards the self-authoring mind stage. Part of the growth towards that stage involved recognizing when someone else’s views were influencing my behavior. At this stage of my growth, the reaction was visceral. Don’t tell me what to do.
That experience with Julio was over four years ago. As I’ve grown, my response to someone “shoulding” me has softened (but certainly not vanished). I’ve become more integrated in my awareness of the views of those around me, and more grounded in my own values. With this growth, I’m less bothered by what others think of me, and I’m more receptive to advice without feeling attached to heeding it if it doesn’t resonate.
With regards to service, four years later, I have a very different perspective. It has shifted gradually, and it has been hard for me to appreciate the shift along the way. But when I compare today’s way of being to the anchor point at the start of my coaching education, the shift is clear.
Service has quietly worked its way into my top five values. It worked hard to get there, because it had to overcome the baggage of people telling me I should be of service to others. And it has overcome that baggage.
Somewhere along the way, I realized that my soul’s purpose is to accelerate the evolution of human consciousness. I am on this planet to help people grow, knowing our collective growth and evolution will make the world a better place. This started as a gut feeling. It wasn’t a certainty, but it felt right, and the Universe seemed to be making it clear to me I was on the right track. Over time, a series of life events has shifted this from a theory to something I understand with every fiber of my being. It’s who I am, and it’s why I’m here.
Today, a service mindset is my natural way of being. I don’t go into an interaction thinking “how can I be of service,” and yet that’s how I show up. While the mindset is second-nature, I’m incredibly mindful of what it means to be of service. It would be easy to slip into “should” mode with others, telling them what they should do so that they evolve and grow in the way I think they should. I expect that to land as well as it lands for me. And so being of service means showing up with love in my heart, and creating a safe, loving, confidential space that supports that person’s growth, in whatever form feels right for them.
Putting It Into Practice
If anything in my story resonates with you, I invite you to consider your own relationship with service. Does being of service conjure up any sense of “should” for you? If so, allow that “should” to soften.
Take a few minutes to sit in inquiry. This could be in meditation, or journaling, or a prompt as you go for a walk. Consider these questions:
- What arises when you consider being of service?
- What values do you hold dear that align with service?
- What does it mean for you to be of service to the world in a way that feels authentic to your soul?
I am an executive coach and life coach with software executive roots in higher education and EdTech. I coach because I love helping others accelerate their growth as leaders and humans. I frequently write about #management, #leadership, #coaching, #neuroscience, and #arete.
If you would like to learn more, schedule time with me.